Everyone wants a good, healthy, long-lasting relationship! We want things like honesty, loyalty, trust, respect, intimacy, safety, support, commitment, kindness, communication, and a vibrant sex life. Of these attributes, one is a condition precedent to all the others…communication.
And what is the one thing that kills communication? FEAR! Think about it…why doesn’t everyone just tell their boss what they think of them? Fear. And while your boss might tell you what he thinks, you probably tell your boss what you think the boss wants to hear.
In the beginning of relationships, there is no fear. You’re in love! You found your soulmate! But in many (if not most relationships), fear gets introduced and communication suffers. Fear of what, you might ask? Simply put…the fear of how you will react. And that can range from rolling your eyes and dismissing what your partner says to yelling, punching walls, leaving, calling names or even to physical violence. Once fear is introduced, it will potentially taint all future attempts to communicate. Fear truly kills communication.
I know, you want to tell me “Well, you don’t know my partner! She says whatever she wants!” Really? How would you know? And many, if not most women in relationships keep things bottled up until they explode. So, what they want to say might eventually come out, but in an emotional upheaval that makes it hard to hear and makes her feel like she is losing her mind.
In the 1970’s couples therapists came up with a communication skill that is roughly as follows. The beauty of this skill is that it forces you to put your problems or concerns into a script that makes your approach less likely to evoke defensiveness on your partner’s part.
Once you have stated your problem or concern, you can ask your partner what they heard you say. So often, we hear our partner through whatever filter or lens that distorts the plain language of what your partner is saying. You may have to repeat the script several times before your partner gets it right.
ASK: Is this a good time to talk?
If not, schedule within 24 hours. Why? 100% attention – no TV, no phones, no distractions.
Speaker:
“I feel (feeling word) when you ______ (be specific)______ because I imagine you ___________________________.
I would prefer if you would _______________________.”
Listener:
“I hear you saying_____________________.” Muy Importante!!!
Listener describes what the speaker said from the speaker’s point of view. This is not the time to respond...this is listening to understand. Don’t defend yourself or give your side.
Some Rules for Healthy Communication
Stick to the subject.
No Violence! No name calling, looks, gestures, eye rolls, threats, etc.
Stick to the present.
Make sure there is an ending or resolution, or schedule at time.
Do not hit below the belt.
Don’t hesitate to compromise – You don’t want a winner or loser.
Avoid “You always/You never”
One thing to remember: Never agree to something you don’t agree with.
Being an agreeable Mr. Nice Guy will cause you to resent your partner, and will make you become a liar. Many men “Go along to get along.” I did that in my marriage constantly because I loved my wife, wanted her to be happy, and hated conflict. The effects on my marriage were catastrophic. I gave in to her every desire, which made me resent her and made me become a big, fat liar!
Women don’t want a pushover in a man. They want a strong man…a force to be contended with. Polarity is essential to relationships, especially with regards to sex. Being passive is not the same as being supportive. Being passive does not make you a good feminist. Being more masculine is what is necessary for a vibrant relationship.
If you think you might be a “nice guy”, I suggest you read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover. I was on every page! No wonder my wife lost respect for me. The opposite of a nice guy is being a jerk…it is being assertive, stating your needs and getting your needs met while still accommodating your lover.
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